There's no one reading this. No one will ever read this. There's only one person I wish would read this and that will never happen. I miss him. Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not. It's breaks my heart every time I read status about how she's excited to see him or they were together or they might be together soon or whatever. Yeah..That happened 6 months ago. We broke up 6 months ago. But that doesn't mean anything. My heart is still in pieces. Every time I find a guy who I think might make me happy...it doesn't last long. I was surprised things lasted as long as they did with Aj.
God, I miss him so much. I think about him all the time. Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go, everything I do...it reminds me of him. It doesn't help that we talk to much through e-mail. I want soo badly to tell him I love him and that I miss him. But I know it'll only make things worse. He'll pull away from me and things will go downhill again.
He doesn't want me. I'm just a broken past to him. I'm a memory. A mistake. That's all I am to too many people. Kayla. Michael. Alex. My parents. My family. Charlie. Aj. I can't stand it anymore. That's all I am. I'm nothing. I was so happy when I was with him. I smiled all the time.
I couldn't wait to be in his arms, looking into his eyes, telling him I love him, kissing him, making love to him. I miss everything about him..I miss the way he laughed. The way I could get him to laugh so hard it would go a little high pitched and sometimes his eyes would water. I miss his hands going around my waist. I miss the smell of his sweatshirt. Hiding the fact that we're holding hands in the hallway. Sneaking him kisses before school. Going out of my way to walk with him in between classes. Watching him concentrate on something. Watching his face as he slept. the look on his face when I finally found his ticklish spot and not easing up. How he knew every one of my ticklish spots and then would find another that I didn't even know I had. How he would kiss my neck. How he would let me steal his hat so I could wear it. How he would let me fall asleep in his arms even when it was our only time to see each other for the week. How he held me underneath the street lights and kissed me good night. I miss everything about you.
I keep thinking about what could have happened..what things might be like if we were still together..but I know you don't. You're with her. He's with her now..maybe not officially..but it's only a matter of time. I keep telling myself it won't last. It won't last...but..I don't know that. I want him to be happy..I do. But..I want to be happy too. I want him to be happy with..me.
I know that's self-ish, but I can't help it! I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm going to watch from the sidelines and hold my broken, bleeding heart until I crumble. And then I'll be gone. Nothing more than a memory for him to look back on and think huh..I wonder whatever happened to her. huh. Oh well. I'll never know, nor do I care.
I'm broken. And bleeding. My wall is wavering. My shield has disintegrated. I will crumble. I am about to tumble into nothing.
