Heartache

There's no one reading this. No one will ever read this. There's only one person I wish would read this and that will never happen. I miss him. Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not. It's breaks my heart every time I read status about how she's excited to see him or they were together or they might be together soon or whatever. Yeah..That happened 6 months ago. We broke up 6 months ago. But that doesn't mean anything. My heart is still in pieces. Every time I find a guy who I think might make me happy...it doesn't last long. I was surprised things lasted as long as they did with Aj.

God, I miss him so much. I think about him all the time. Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go, everything I do...it reminds me of him. It doesn't help that we talk to much through e-mail. I want soo badly to tell him I love him and that I miss him. But I know it'll only make things worse. He'll pull away from me and things will go downhill again.

He doesn't want me. I'm just a broken past to him. I'm a memory. A mistake. That's all I am to too many people. Kayla. Michael. Alex. My parents. My family. Charlie. Aj. I can't stand it anymore. That's all I am. I'm nothing. I was so happy when I was with him. I smiled all the time.

I couldn't wait to be in his arms, looking into his eyes, telling him I love him, kissing him, making love to him. I miss everything about him..I miss the way he laughed. The way I could get him to laugh so hard it would go a little high pitched and sometimes his eyes would water. I miss his hands going around my waist. I miss the smell of his sweatshirt. Hiding the fact that we're holding hands in the hallway. Sneaking him kisses before school. Going out of my way to walk with him in between classes. Watching him concentrate on something. Watching his face as he slept. the look on his face when I finally found his ticklish spot and not easing up. How he knew every one of my ticklish spots and then would find another that I didn't even know I had. How he would kiss my neck. How he would let me steal his hat so I could wear it. How he would let me fall asleep in his arms even when it was our only time to see each other for the week. How he held me underneath the street lights and kissed me good night. I miss everything about you.

I keep thinking about what could have happened..what things might be like if we were still together..but I know you don't. You're with her. He's with her now..maybe not officially..but it's only a matter of time. I keep telling myself it won't last. It won't last...but..I don't know that. I want him to be happy..I do. But..I want to be happy too. I want him to be happy with..me.

I know that's self-ish, but I can't help it! I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm going to watch from the sidelines and hold my broken, bleeding heart until I crumble. And then I'll be gone. Nothing more than a memory for him to look back on and think huh..I wonder whatever happened to her. huh. Oh well. I'll never know, nor do I care.



I'm broken. And bleeding. My wall is wavering. My shield has disintegrated. I will crumble. I am about to tumble into nothing.

In My Dreams I Can Fly

In my dreams I can fly
I can walk on water
and do back flips on clouds
I can swim with the dolphins
and lose myself in music
I can also fall in love
and not get hurt
but that's only in my dreams
In reality, I can't fly
no one can walk on water
it's impossible to do
back flips on clouds
I can't swim
so that's a no to the dolphins
I may be able to lose myself
for awhile in music
but always have to resurface
and I can't fall in love
without getting hurt
it'd be awesome if these things
were possible
I guess I'll just have to
keep dreaming.

Beautiful

Every time I look in the mirror
I see another flaw
another thing that
takes me out of the category
of "beautiful"
I've been told I am
but that's my family
it's their job
to tell me that
why can't I be pretty
like all those other girls
or at least feel like I am
it'd be nice to feel like that
every once in awhile
yeah, I have insecurities
I may have low self-esteem
but I'm only a teenager
I blend into the crowd
for once I want a man
to look me in the eye and say
'my girl is the most
beautiful girl in the world
and that girl is you'
yeah, that'd be nice
can't wait for it to happen.

Drowning

I don't know why
I listen to love songs
they only remind me of him
of course that's all I do
think of him
that's not true
but sometimes it feels like it
the memories of him
are stuck in my head like glue
I never want to forget him
or our momentary happiness
but I want to make more
I want to find love
make happy memories
ones that won't fade over time
I want to find happiness
I need to find happiness
before I suffocate in this black hole
every day I'm drowning
I just wish someone would come along
and teach me how to swim.

A Broken Promise

All I asked for was one promise
and it was broken
I never thought it was difficult
he promised me
and he broke it
just like he broke my heart
I'm sure I broke his too
but I don't know how
all I asked for
was someone to love me
to be there for me
to keep me whole
and to not leave me
I thought we'd last forever
I thought we could make it through
I loved him with all my heart
he was my prince charming
but now he's gone
and I'm left here alone
with no one to comfort me
I miss him
Too bad it's over
I would've made him happy.

Untitled

I'm not bitter
okay, maybe about one thing
it breaks my heart
that he didn't trust me
scratch that.
It breaks my heart
that he believed her over me
the one he was with
a year and a half
that's a long time
to give yourself to someone
I put everything I had
everything I was
into that relationship
all for it to fall apart
and leave me to clean up the pieces
he was hurt too
but I felt it more
I felt it longer
hell, sometimes I'm still feeling it
it's been four months
you'd think I'd be over it
Nope, guess not.

Happiness

Every time I see your face
I think back to the times
we spent together
Do you remember?
when we were happy
I miss those times
Sometimes I think about
how it all went wrong
how I'm left lonely
while you definitely aren't
Yeah, sometimes I'm jealous
I think 'what's wrong with me?
He can move on
He can find someone new
but you can't
what's wrong with me?'
it makes me feel even lonelier
sometimes I'm happy for him
sometimes I with it were me
who was happy
but that feeling doesn't last long
I want him to be happy
isn't that what I've been praying for?
Yeah....happiness
too bad it hasn't found me yet.