Well, last night was..interesting. I was a mess last night. I ended up crying so hard I had mascara running down my face..I haven't cried that hard since something happened back in either March or February.
Anyways, I got to talk to him today! Woot! It was only for like three minutes, but I got to hear his voice, so I'm happy. =) I can't wait until I get to hear it again. Right now I'm not entirely sure what to write. I just downloaded somewhere close to a hundred songs onto Itunes, so that makes me happy. I'll have a lot more of a selection than I had before. There's almost three hundred songs on there now.
Tomorrow I get my new glasses! I'm excited! They have been in since March.........Yeah..We just haven't really had the time or gas to go get them. But we will tomorrow.
Rico is adjusting to his new home here. He's starting to act more like a dog. At first, he wouldn't eat dog treats or play really. Now he's chasing a little ball around and every now and then he will eat a treat I give him.
Well, now I'm really glad I have him. Rico is distracting me from AJ being gone. I just got a text from him saying he won't be able to call tonight. I figured he wouldn't be able to. But oh well, I guess. Now I'm not really sure what I'm going to do tonight. I guess I could go over to Becky's...or go hang out with Angela. Well, I'm going to stop now. I have to go take Rico out. See ya....
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
...
I did something I'm not too proud of. Well, not proud of at all. I know I shouldn't have, but I did anyway. I don't know why I'm blogging about this, but I am. I need to tell someone, but I can't. I don't know who to tell..Anyone I could tell would flip out on me. And I would feel like an idiot.
I just don't feel right, right now. I'm not sure how to explain it. Kind of dizzy..kind of on the outside looking in..I'm not sure how to explain it. I can't even type..I have to keep going back and fixing errors..
I miss him so much. I haven't gotten to talk to him in a week. I haven't heard his voice in a week. Not since last Tuesday, and today is Tuesday, so that makes it a week. I'm really hoping I get to talk to him tonight. Knowing my luck I won't be able to. I keep carrying both phones around with me everywhere I go just in case he texts me I can tell him to call me and I'll have the phone that he can call on with me. I need to talk to him so badly. The past couple of days have been a nightmare without him. Possibly even with him here they may have been a nightmare. No, they would have still been, just a bit easier to bare.
I didn't start crying last night until he told me he had to go. I was only able to text him for a couple of minutes. Then he was gone again. That's when it really hit me again that he's so far away and for so long. And then I looked at Rico and thought of Kirby...and I lost it all over again. Every time I looked at Rico last night I thought of Kirby and starting crying all over again. I can tell that every time Kayla sees Rico she thinks of Kirby too. I miss him so much..I saw a picture of him today and almost started crying..I miss that little guy..
Last night was filled with loneliness, exhaustion, depression, longing, sadness, emptiness, disappointment, regret, aching...you name it, the both of us probably felt it. Life kind of sucks right now, but we're trying to make the best of it..it's not really working.
Charlie looked at me today and continually asked me what was wrong because he said I'm never quiet. I just couldn't bring myself to really say much..The one guy I know without a single doubt in my mind that I am truly, deeply in love with is in a different time zone for another week..my best friend's dog just died and that's a loss to us all..I'm still confused about how to forgive my dad and how to feel about him being home..I have these feelings that I never had before what happened with Mike and I and I'm not entirely sure what to do about them. Should I tell him? He does deserve to know, I guess, since I'm dating him and all..but we've already had that discussion and I know where the line rests on that topic. I know what's going to happen and what's not going to happen when it comes to that. But..should I just tell him how I feel? I don't want that line to change at all, but...it's hrd to explain..I feel this way because of what happened and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know. I'll think more about it.
I just got another disappointment...these past couple days just haven't been good to me or Kayla at all.. =/
I just don't feel right, right now. I'm not sure how to explain it. Kind of dizzy..kind of on the outside looking in..I'm not sure how to explain it. I can't even type..I have to keep going back and fixing errors..
I miss him so much. I haven't gotten to talk to him in a week. I haven't heard his voice in a week. Not since last Tuesday, and today is Tuesday, so that makes it a week. I'm really hoping I get to talk to him tonight. Knowing my luck I won't be able to. I keep carrying both phones around with me everywhere I go just in case he texts me I can tell him to call me and I'll have the phone that he can call on with me. I need to talk to him so badly. The past couple of days have been a nightmare without him. Possibly even with him here they may have been a nightmare. No, they would have still been, just a bit easier to bare.
I didn't start crying last night until he told me he had to go. I was only able to text him for a couple of minutes. Then he was gone again. That's when it really hit me again that he's so far away and for so long. And then I looked at Rico and thought of Kirby...and I lost it all over again. Every time I looked at Rico last night I thought of Kirby and starting crying all over again. I can tell that every time Kayla sees Rico she thinks of Kirby too. I miss him so much..I saw a picture of him today and almost started crying..I miss that little guy..
Last night was filled with loneliness, exhaustion, depression, longing, sadness, emptiness, disappointment, regret, aching...you name it, the both of us probably felt it. Life kind of sucks right now, but we're trying to make the best of it..it's not really working.
Charlie looked at me today and continually asked me what was wrong because he said I'm never quiet. I just couldn't bring myself to really say much..The one guy I know without a single doubt in my mind that I am truly, deeply in love with is in a different time zone for another week..my best friend's dog just died and that's a loss to us all..I'm still confused about how to forgive my dad and how to feel about him being home..I have these feelings that I never had before what happened with Mike and I and I'm not entirely sure what to do about them. Should I tell him? He does deserve to know, I guess, since I'm dating him and all..but we've already had that discussion and I know where the line rests on that topic. I know what's going to happen and what's not going to happen when it comes to that. But..should I just tell him how I feel? I don't want that line to change at all, but...it's hrd to explain..I feel this way because of what happened and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know. I'll think more about it.
I just got another disappointment...these past couple days just haven't been good to me or Kayla at all.. =/
Monday, July 19, 2010
Insecurities
I'm in love with an amazing guy. He's like the light of my world. I can't imagine not having him in my life. And yet, I'm letting my insecurities get in the way. Like usual. When I think he's mad at me of frustrated with me or something my mind automatically thinks that he will ponder about breaking up with me. I know he doesn't. We've talked about that..and I feel bad about thinking that. I would never break up with him. I love him too much.
There have been times when I have stopped and thought...does he really love me? He does. He's proved to me that he does. Some of the things he says to me, the way he looks at me, the way he holds me..I can just tell. There are a few other insecurities, but I'm not going to talk about them on here. They're more..personal. And I don't want some random creeper reading them.
He's going to be gone for two weeks. He leaves tomorrow. That makes me sad that I won't see him for that long..I don't even know when I'll get the chance to talk to him next. I want to apologize to him for my insecurities. They aren't his fault. I just need to deal with my past. But whenever I try to apologize he tells me that I say that too much or it's okay, don't worry about it. I just want him to listen and understand why I feel like I need to apologize.
I guess it is true that I do apologize too much, but I can't help it. That's just who I am. I don't do it as much as I used to though. But oh well, I guess. It's who I am.
We have such a good thing. I'm scared that I'm going to do something and screw it up. I shouldn't be because that could happen to anyone really so I'm not too concerned about that. I was at one time, like, a couple of monthes ago. But not anymore. But I guess I'll stop here. I'm going to try to make this a regular thing..maybe it will help with him being gone for so long. Anyways..See-ya.
There have been times when I have stopped and thought...does he really love me? He does. He's proved to me that he does. Some of the things he says to me, the way he looks at me, the way he holds me..I can just tell. There are a few other insecurities, but I'm not going to talk about them on here. They're more..personal. And I don't want some random creeper reading them.
He's going to be gone for two weeks. He leaves tomorrow. That makes me sad that I won't see him for that long..I don't even know when I'll get the chance to talk to him next. I want to apologize to him for my insecurities. They aren't his fault. I just need to deal with my past. But whenever I try to apologize he tells me that I say that too much or it's okay, don't worry about it. I just want him to listen and understand why I feel like I need to apologize.
I guess it is true that I do apologize too much, but I can't help it. That's just who I am. I don't do it as much as I used to though. But oh well, I guess. It's who I am.
We have such a good thing. I'm scared that I'm going to do something and screw it up. I shouldn't be because that could happen to anyone really so I'm not too concerned about that. I was at one time, like, a couple of monthes ago. But not anymore. But I guess I'll stop here. I'm going to try to make this a regular thing..maybe it will help with him being gone for so long. Anyways..See-ya.
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