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I did something I'm not too proud of. Well, not proud of at all. I know I shouldn't have, but I did anyway. I don't know why I'm blogging about this, but I am. I need to tell someone, but I can't. I don't know who to tell..Anyone I could tell would flip out on me. And I would feel like an idiot.

I just don't feel right, right now. I'm not sure how to explain it. Kind of dizzy..kind of on the outside looking in..I'm not sure how to explain it. I can't even type..I have to keep going back and fixing errors..

I miss him so much. I haven't gotten to talk to him in a week. I haven't heard his voice in a week. Not since last Tuesday, and today is Tuesday, so that makes it a week. I'm really hoping I get to talk to him tonight. Knowing my luck I won't be able to. I keep carrying both phones around with me everywhere I go just in case he texts me I can tell him to call me and I'll have the phone that he can call on with me. I need to talk to him so badly. The past couple of days have been a nightmare without him. Possibly even with him here they may have been a nightmare. No, they would have still been, just a bit easier to bare.

I didn't start crying last night until he told me he had to go. I was only able to text him for a couple of minutes. Then he was gone again. That's when it really hit me again that he's so far away and for so long. And then I looked at Rico and thought of Kirby...and I lost it all over again. Every time I looked at Rico last night I thought of Kirby and starting crying all over again. I can tell that every time Kayla sees Rico she thinks of Kirby too. I miss him so much..I saw a picture of him today and almost started crying..I miss that little guy..

Last night was filled with loneliness, exhaustion, depression, longing, sadness, emptiness, disappointment, regret, aching...you name it, the both of us probably felt it. Life kind of sucks right now, but we're trying to make the best of it..it's not really working.

Charlie looked at me today and continually asked me what was wrong because he said I'm never quiet. I just couldn't bring myself to really say much..The one guy I know without a single doubt in my mind that I am truly, deeply in love with is in a different time zone for another week..my best friend's dog just died and that's a loss to us all..I'm still confused about how to forgive my dad and how to feel about him being home..I have these feelings that I never had before what happened with Mike and I and I'm not entirely sure what to do about them. Should I tell him? He does deserve to know, I guess, since I'm dating him and all..but we've already had that discussion and I know where the line rests on that topic. I know what's going to happen and what's not going to happen when it comes to that. But..should I just tell him how I feel? I don't want that line to change at all, but...it's hrd to explain..I feel this way because of what happened and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know. I'll think more about it.

I just got another disappointment...these past couple days just haven't been good to me or Kayla at all.. =/